Alberto Gonzales Holds The Key To Global Warming; Stifle the Dems!

At first glance there might not appear to be a connection between the most recent tempest in a DC teapot, the living theater production of Kill Gonzales, He Fired Our Friends, and the other engineered phenomena, Al Gore's Opus on Global Warming - but I have found one.

For starters, both are issues that should have little to nothing to do with politics, and yet both are at the center of political storms, or possibly the same political storm.

In the latest Washington diversion, the Democratic Party is attempting to toss Attorney General Alberto Gonzales out on his ear, because he had the audacity to fire 8 federal prosecutors. Federal prosecutors are political appointees, owe their jobs to the prevailing political winds, and are replaced fairly regularly depending on who is in office.

Sometimes they are replaced because the President of the United States, who is their boss, thinks they have different priorities than he does and he wants someone in that post who better reflects his positions. Sometimes they are replaced because they are, after all, political appointees and occasionally that can mean there is something lacking in the capability department.

Sometimes they are replaced because someone owes someone else a political favor, and that political favor will be taken care of in a certain geographical area, meaning a switch in job holders. And every so often a federal prosecutor is replaced because the president doesn't like his or her face.

Regardless, federal prosecutors serve at the pleasure of the president, not the displeasure of the president, and if the president is displeased, off with their heads.

That was the case when Bill Clinton took office and fired 93 federal prosecutors without so much as a peep of protest from members of his party in Congress. Republicans didn't make any noise either because they knew there was nothing they could do about it. President Clinton was well within his authority to fire whomever and however many he wanted. Republicans refrained from wasting their time and the public's tax dollars yakking about something they had no control over and went about their business.

But this latest charade, orchestrated by the Democratic School of Slip-sliding Choreography (Best Little Whorehouse in Texas) has been going on for months now, without an inkling of proof that there was any wrongdoing involved. But that hasn't stopped Congressional democrats and their running dog lackeys from holding non-stop press conferences and hearings in an overkill attempt to convince America that somewhere out there, something is wrong - if we just give them until 2008 to find it. And, if they can't find anything, they will manufacture a process crime similar to the Scooter Libby case.

Now, simultaneous with this charade is the global warming issue. Is the globe warming up? Don't know. I live in New England, and the weather changes here all the time so it is really hard to report or even find the elements of a trend in it. Yesterday it trended dour and drizzly, the day before it trended windy, and on March 16th it trended straight into a really nasty winter storm.

It will probably trend into warm weather for most of the summer and then trend back into colder weather in the winter. Lately, the summers have trended to be cooler than those I remember as a child - very few in which the thermometer goes over 100 degrees F, but the winters have had fewer below zero temps, and the ones we have had haven't seemed to last as long. Then again, when I was young I lived in upstate New York where the wind came down from Canada like a blast from outer space and we were way too far from the ocean to get any warming trends, so what do I know?

I heard the other day that some scientists have reached a consensus on global warming, therefore whatever they say must be true. Well, way back in Galileo's day the scientific community had reached the unimpeachable consensus that the earth was flat and the sun rotated around us, but look where that got them!

Is the earth warming up? Maybe. But it will take hundreds and hundreds of years of painstaking record keeping to come up with anything definitive on it and even that may not be enough to make any declarative statements. I haven't been alive long enough to know for sure, neither has anyone else, but I can say with relative certainty that neither I, nor anyone else is likely to be alive that long either.

So, what do we do about this?

Well, Al Gore said that one of the biggest offenders in his view of the global warming school of theater is carbon dioxide SEE OH TOO. There is too much of it, says he, and we should pass laws restricting the manufacture and disbursement of carbon dioxide.

Oh really? Well, heh, heh. Now we may be on to something. Obviously the genius former Vice President either didn't take grade school science, or has forgotten it, what with his pea brain being overloaded and all, and it is probably buried under multiple layers of intellectual cholesterol.

But way back when, we were taught that two major producers of SEE OH TOO are - plants and humans. Now, we could probably make a big impact on SEE OH TOO production by killing all of the plants. And, Congress being what it is, and Democrats being the acknowledged masters at cherry picking pieces of information out of longer stretches of discourse, you can bet that some are already considering a Scorched Earth measure.

But wait! There's more! Plants produce carbon dioxide at night, but produce oxygen during the day! Far more oxygen than carbon dioxide. In fact, most of the oxygen we get comes straight from the plant world. So, if we chop down the rain forests and all the other forests, fry our lawns and let the deer eat all the ornamental shrubbery we're screwed.

So let's just toss that idea and move on.

Next is humans. Humans USE oxygen, and PRODUCE carbon dioxide. Remember? When we inhale, our lungs take the oxygen out of the air and send it via red blood cells to to the other cells in our body that use it in energy production. Then when we exhale, out goes the carbon dioxide along with all the other gasses that we breathed but didn't need.

So, it would seem to me that a primary way of reducing SEE OH TOO is by limiting breathing. Now, Congress being run by Democrats and all, the first thing that bunch would probably do to limit breathing is to tax it.

But they'd also make sure there is a loophole in the law allowing government employees to enjoy an exemption so what good would it really do?

On the other hand, maybe we as American citizens and voters, the true seat of power in this country, can pass a Constitutional amendment calling for Congressional Democrats to SHUT THE HELL UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

Does anyone else see that what is going on in Washington is either a series of diversions, or just one long diversion with different chapters? The Chinese are sneaking up on our ships, planes and satellites, the Russians are fomenting dissent in Iran and other Muslim countries, terrorists are already engaged in open warfare on our city streets, communists are attempting once again to gain a stronghold in Central and South America, but what the hell are our elected representatives doing in Congress?

Today's version of Bust on the President!

Somewhere out there beyond the ability of most lawmakers to understand someone is getting ready to lower the boom on this country. We are either going to suffer an all-out terrorist attack or find ourselves economically strangled, but either way, some way it is coming. But instead of taking a hard common-sense look at the real world, our little boys and girls in Congress are engaged in endless rounds of bull throwing and press conferences.

Don't like the way the War on Terror is being run? I have a suggestion. Hold a closed door hearing, lay it out on the table for a reasonable and logical discussion, with no reporters and no cameras and come to a conclusion about what should be done. That right there should reduce SEE OH TOO emissions by ten percent. No sound bites, no sound. No sound, less carbon dioxide. See how that works?

I calculated that each person exhales on average twice a minute, for a total of one cubic yard of air per minute, each of which contains .02 pounds of carbon dioxide. That comes out to 57.6 pounds of carbon dioxide a day per person, times 365 days a year which equals 21,024 pounds per year per person. Multiply that times 268 - the number of Democrats who voted with House leader Nancy Pelosi on the Screw The Troops Bill last week, plus the number of Senate Democrats - and you get more than 5.5 MILLION POUNDS of noxious gasses produced each year just by Congressional Democrats!

Republicans tend to spend far less time on worthless chatter than their Democratic counterparts so I have determined them to be an non-factor when talking about causes of global warming.

But do you see what a difference it would make if the Democrats would just shut the hell up!? And that isn't even taking into account governors, state legislators and local politicians. My God, man, if the Democrats would just start listening for a change instead of running their mouths non-stop we could be well on the way to solving one of the major issues of our lifetime.

Please feel free to pass this along and use it as a classroom model in institutes of higher learning. This kind of research doesn't come along except perhaps once a millennium and I wouldn't want anyone to miss out. Oh, and if you don't like my calculations, tough. They are as valid as anything Al Gore is using and he won an academy award!

Here endeth today's lecture on Science and Politics. Don't forget there will be a surprise quiz on this material tomorrow!