John Kerry to Invade Iraq! War to End Soon!

spoof
[1,transitive verb]
[2,noun]
1 : DECEIVE, HOAX
2 : to make good-natured fun of

Democratic Senator John Kerry the self-proclaimed war criminal, torturer, hero and statesman without portfolio is going to Iraq this weekend to personally take charge of the War Against Terror with an eye to a speedy resolution, relieving the burden on our troops, ending sectarian violence and probably picking up a Medal of Honor in the process.

Kerry claims hero status after being awarded a Silver Star during the Vietnam War by political friends in high places, none of whom actually was in Vietnam when he single-handedly tamed the wilds of the Mekong Delta region in a whirlwind 90-day tour as a Swift Boat commander. His heroics included applying the coup de grace to a wounded, unarmed, teen-aged Viet Cong, and after enduring that level of hardship the wannabe president figures solving the Iraq dilemma will be a piece of cake.

Still, there is somewhat of a cloud over the visit. Kerry came under intense criticism from the military and veterans just before the November election when he told a group of California college students that if they studied hard and did their homework they wouldn't wash out and end up in Iraq.

Kerry protested til he turned blue that he wasn't saying people in the military are stupid and lazy, but no one was buying it so he eventually apologized, kind of, by saying he was only making a joke at President Bush that went over the heads of the military types, but he was nonetheless sorry that their feelings were hurt.

That is an apology isn't it? You think?

When asked what kind of reception he expects from the troops he was ridiculing, the very people who are putting life and limb on the line in tours far exceeding 90 days just so people like him have the right to say stupid things, Kerry responded, "What do they know? People in the military have no sense of humor anyway. Just look at Abu Ghraib."

Kerry said he has ordered several thousand copies of the Al Gore Comedy Tour, both paperback and CD versions, to distribute to the troops in Iraq so they can get an idea of what real comedy looks like. "Wait til they hear Al going on about global warming, and the receding glaciers. It's a hoot. Al doesn't even mention the mini-Ice Age from the 1300s to the 1800s when he talks about weather trends, or volcanic eruptions, or sunspots, or crop circles or anything. It's a real masterpiece of slight of hand, er, uh, slight of mind! Get it? Slight of mind? I guarantee the troops will get it. They'll laugh so hard their sides will hurt, I promise you."

Kerry also said that his close relationship with Gore, who invented, copyrighted and patented the Internet, has worked in his favor by keeping news of his so-called joke from reaching the troops anyway. "Al still has some secrets up his sleeve about internet technology that the 'geniuses' in the Pentagon can't figure out. So I'm reasonably sure that the troops never saw or heard of that unfortunate incident," Kerry maintained, adding, "Stupid Californians."

"If those kids had just laughed a little everyone would have seen that it was a joke, and that you had to have a brain to get it, and even if they didn't get it they would have covered up their stupidity by laughing to make it look like they did get it, and they weren't the only stupid person in the room, and the whole thing never would have happened."

"Stupid Californians."

Kerry also said he believes the Republican-dominated Military-Industrial-Petro-Chemical-Pharmaceutical-Geriatric-Homophobic-Tricycle-Islamofascist complex has been far too lenient on the terrorists and he will take care of that little oversight immediately.

"I refer you to my testimony before the Senate Select Committee back in the 70s regarding my experience in convincing reluctant combatants to see our side of things," Kerry said.

"The Bush Administration has no experience in this area, and obviously, despite his one-point advantage on the IQ scale, has no real ability to learn," Kerry added.

Further bolstering his credentials in the torture and abuse arena Kerry maintained, "The entire Rambo series was based on my adventures in the Vietnam War. In fact, I knew John Rambo, and believe me, George Bush is no John Rambo!"

Kerry said he taught "the real John Rambo, not this Sly Stallone character. In fact, Richard Crenna played me in the movies and I had many, many, long and productive discussions with Crenna to ensure that he played his role properly."

"Look," Kerry told reporters, "I'll be taking a boxful of new weaponry with me to show our troops what they really should be doing. I have several old hand-cranked telephones so I can attach wires to genitals, scalping knives for collecting ears, and a few surprises I won't reveal until the proper time.

"Remember, I am the guy who really did drive tanks, fly helicopters and jet fighters, applied computer technology to surveillance a generation before the rest of the world even heard of it, speaks 17 obscure languages fluently, and invented napalm. I didn't just serve in Vietnam, north and south, Laos and Cambodia.

"I also served in Tibet, Nepal, under the South Pole, in outer space, and I even spent one night in Bangkok, heh, heh."

"OK, OK, you media types probably didn't understand that last comment. That's an inside joke among my brother combat vets."

"By the way, my testimony on the Senate floor about Christmas in Phnom Penh was true, but the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy has been trying to discredit it for years. Why? Because they're jealous of my accomplishments."

"Anyway, I'll also be taking my official John Rambo combat knife with the serrated brass knuckle hand guard, my Rambo bow and arrow set with the nuclear-tipped arrow heads, and of course my Daisy Red Ryder, 200-shot repeating BB Gun with the compass in the stock."

"Wait til those bad guys get an eyeful of that weaponry. Why, I'll be the new Messiah."

Kerry says that through his membership in the exclusive brotherhood of heroic combat veterans the troops will understood what he meant when he 'flubbed' the joke about students who don't study hard getting "stuck in Iraq."

Kerry wants to meet with soldiers, military officials and political leaders during his nine-day trip that also includes stops in Egypt, Jordan, Lebanon, Syria and Israel where he will outline the new world order, and lay down the law to recalcitrant Muslims and Jews who haven't seen the wisdom of non-sectarianism.

Kerry said that after surviving the beating he took from mainstream Americans over his botched 'joke' he doesn't anticipate much difficulty in convincing leaders in the Middle East to see his point of view.

"Besides," Kerry said, "These guys are smarter than the average American. I think I may have another opportunity to redeem that joke before an audience that will understand and appreciate it, much as the communists saw my potential back in 1970."

Kerry says smart Americans, which may include some soldiers, got what he was trying to say, and he promises to apologize again to anyone who still doesn't get it.

Pressed for his possible reaction if neither the military nor the Middle Eastern leaders still get his 'joke,' an obviously exasperated Kerry snapped, "Then they're probably just a bunch of ignorant college dropouts from some obscure school in California."

"Stupid Californians. They'll probably end up in the Army."