Did you see where the US Navy is going to shoot one of our spy satellites out of the sky because it isn't working and is going to crash back to earth?

The news reports are saying it never worked in the first place and we have to blast it into smaller pieces because it may not burn up entirely when reentering Earth's atmosphere and it could spew toxic fuel over hundreds of square miles. Or, some of the pieces could drop on the Wicked Witch of the north, kind of like a house dropping on her sister in the Wizard of Oz, or a meteor hitting you on the head.

But I have a question here, because something about this doesn't seem right. Isn't the United States of America the most advanced country in the world, in terms of space flight, space exploration, rocketry and electronics? Haven't we been putting rockets, satellites, and people into space for decades?

Isn't our success rate phenomenal, albeit at the cost of some courageous and vital members of our society?

Then can someone explain to me how a billion dollar plus spy satellite that made it into space atop one of the most advanced rocket systems known to man, suddenly "just didn't work?" It is reasonable to figure that it was tested, probably many, many times, before it was launched, right? But suddenly, it just never worked?

Now, do you remember how back in the Clinton years all kinds of military secrets somehow made it to Red China which suddenly made quantum leaps in its knowledge of rocket guidance, sonar and lasers?

Remember how a communist Chinese submarine snuck up on an aircraft carrier in the Pacific a couple years ago and we didn't know it until the sub surfaced? Remember how they shot one of their satellites out of the sky, and then "painted" one of ours with a laser?

Yes sir, that's exactly what I'm thinking.

Maybe this satellite was working but the Chinese disabled it with one of their advanced lasers! Maybe this satellite was supposed to keep an eye on the massive buildup of the Chinese armed forces, which, as I have written here in the past, is probably intended to create an invasion force large enough to take over non-communist Taiwan.

OK, so if the Chinese did disable that satellite, why are we shooting it down? Wouldn't it just disintegrate upon reentry?

Well, not entirely, apparently. According to the news, which I realize, is the least credible of sources, our government originally believed that this satellite posed no more of a threat on reentry than your average, everyday meteor.

But suddenly it was determined to be a huge threat and we had to do something about it.

The official explanation is that the unspent rocket fuel in the satellite contains Hydrazine. It would appear that this satellite was in a somewhat low-level orbit, meaning the Earth's gravitational pull would have an effect on it, so its guidance rockets would have to be fired occasionally to keep it aloft, as well as to reposition it for a better look at ... stuff.

The government can now make a case for blowing up the satellite due to the presence of hydrazines which are clear, colorless liquids with an ammonia-like odor. Small amounts of hydrazine occur naturally in plants, but most are manufactured for use as rocket fuel, boiler water treatments, and in cancer research of all things. Hydrazines also catch fire easily, and quickly evaporate when released into the air, where they are broken down within minutes or hours at the most.

Hydrazines usually break down into less toxic compounds within a few days if they enter the soil, and within a few weeks if they enter water. So, depending on where this satellite would crash, it would appear highly unlikely that there would be a massive contamination from the fuel, especially considering that the fuel would be the most likely part of the satellite to burn on reentry.

So what are we really concerned about here?

Well, before I give you the entire theory in a nutshell, we should review the actions of Congressional Democrats who scurried out of the Capitol and headed for the hills yesterday so they wouldn't have to vote on a permanent extension of an anti-terrorism measure involving the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act.

Ever since George Bush began keeping tabs on terrorists calling each other and emailing each other and basically communicating with each other after 9-11, the Democrats have been trying to tie his hands by claiming he is illegally monitoring conversations inside the US. The illegal part is that with communications which originate overseas, and involve known or suspected terrorists or their supporters, our intelligence agencies don't need warrants to monitor them. But occasionally our enemies call their agents inside the US where things get a bit murky.

The Bush Administration, which it should be noted, has kept us safe for the past seven years, insists that it doesn't monitor internal communications without a warrant, unless the communications originate from terrorists and other enemies outside the US, but come into the US. Another major factor is that the communications are usually very brief and need to be monitored on the spot. Thus if our intelligence forces had to wait for authorization each time, we would be missing vital information that has been used to keep us safe.

The Bush administration wants to permanently extend its right to monitor terrorists, and at the same time, protect telecommunications companies that assist our intelligence services from lawsuits filed by Democrats, the ACLU and other communist and terrorist sympathizers. The MIA Congressional Democrats, who say they are just looking out for our best interests, don't want to restrict the rights of their supporters - communists and other terrorists - to sue phone companies that help keep us safe.

Their absence, with the current law expiring, could provide a window of opportunity for terrorists and communists, such as those in Red China, to communicate with each other with impunity, as our intelligence services would not be able to legally monitor their communications. If they do, they could be brought up on charges similar to those faced by members of the armed forces who are being charged with crimes for killing terrorists and sympathizers in Iraq and Afghanistan.

With all that as background, here's the theory. The hydrazines pose little to no real threat, even if somehow or other the rocket fuel didn't burn up on reentry. But if a big section of the satellite, which probably has major heat shields incorporated into its design to protect the electronic components from direct exposure to the sun, made it back to earth, wouldn't the components inside be intact too? Possibly.

And wouldn't it be reasonable to expect that since this was a highly advanced spy satellite, these components and their designs would be highly advanced and very, very secret? All reasonable expectations and assumptions, right?

So I think we are blasting this spy satellite to smithereens because we don't want it to fall into enemy hands, that being the Chinese, Russians, Islamo-fascist terrorists or Congressional Democrats.

I think we have to be sure it is totally destroyed, because we can't legally monitor conversations overseas between enemy forces, including Chinese, Russians, Islamo-fascist terrorists or Congressional Democrats who headed for the hills without voting on the bill that would give our forces the right to do so without fear of prosecution.

It is reasonable to conclude that the Democrats and other communists want to talk to and email each other concerning the splashdown location of the satellite remnants without being monitored, which could get them arrested and tried for treason.

Thus the Navy has no option other than blasting the Little Satellite That Couldn't into itsy-bitsy chucks that will be guaranteed to burn up, thwarting the plans of our enemies to gain more knowledge of our intelligence capabilities, since the Clinton era is long over and that channel is blocked.

What would be the upshot of all this conspiring? First the Chinese and our other enemies would have updated information on our intelligence capabilities. Second, their allies in Congress, the Democrats, could be hoping that with our surveillance capabilities compromised there might be another attack on the US by Al Qaeda terrorists.

Then, they could use that as an issue in the presidential race to claim that George Bush has failed in protecting the country, which would draw attention away from the fact that the Republican nominee is a war hero while neither of the likely Democratic nominees has any idea what the military does, now how it does it. The Congressional Democrats could then attempt to offset their deficiencies in the military and national security arenas.

So that is it. Obviously there is far more to this satellite thing than meets the eye. For the dubious minded, I do NOT have to prove any of this to qualify as a bona fide conspiracy theory. YOU have prove it is WRONG!

Rotsa Ruck on that one! Oh, one last thing, is there any way to upload the coordinates of the Berkeley, California City Council chambers into the satellite guidance system? Maybe an advanced hacker could find a way around the power problems and give our little piece of space junk just enough power at just the right time to guide it straight down onto that world terrorist training headquarters while the council is in session.

That certainly would solve a whole bunch of problems at one time.